A Clean Heart


Psalm 51:10
“Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.”


In training we learned a song that used this psalm as it’s lyrics. I thought when I was singing that song way back in August that I was singing it with all my might and really truly asking God to change me. I think some part of me was, but I realize now that there are so many things I was still holding onto. Things I hoped God would just leave or not even notice. Boy was I wrong! Since being here in Cambodia I feel like God has shined a spotlight on the darkest shadows in my life. I have been embarrassed, frustrated and just plain mad at Him and at everyone on my team. I wanted to blame anything or anyone besides myself for the way I was feeling and the disconnect I felt I had with God. Through these past couple months God has slowly and gently opened my eyes to some big problems in my walk with Him. I saw how I was relying solely on my pastor to feed my spirit each week and not searching the scriptures for myself. I was crying out to God to speak to me but I was wasn’t reading His words! How crazy is that? It’s like asking a question (or several rapid fire in my case) but not listening for the answer! As I realized this and began to read my bible it became alive to me, I saw the same old scriptures in ways I had never seen them before, God began to give me understanding and I have developed a hunger for His word. Now that I have begun reading His words I have realized how time and again humans have failed God, every single person has failed and fallen short of the glory of God, but that’s why He sent His perfect Son to die as a blameless sacrifice in my place for my sins so I can live blamelessly in heaven with Him. Now, so many months after I first learned this song, I am beginning to realize what it means to me and how I can truly ask God to create a clean heart in me. I am seeking Him daily and as hard and uncomfortable as it is to have His spotlight on my life I am also seeing the need to cry out to Him and ask Him to renew a “steadfast” or “right”spirit in me. My ideas of what’s right and wrong are so skewed compared to His. I pray every day that He will speak to me through the words I am reading and He has yet to fail me! I know He never will.

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